20 years out of the closet! Gay hooray!

In this post I want to share my story of what it was like to come out to family and friends 20 years ago. And in addition to telling about the chaos of emotions, I am also going to reveal a huge embarassment! We touch on phenomena such as falling in love with straight ladies, with the teacher and see how life is today.

And of course we have to talk about one of the most important things a gay person encounters: 

How it is

to come out

to yourself!

After I had written this post and thought about the story, I can see that the self defence sport Taekwondo has had a huge role in my coming-out story. Quite random, actually!

2004: Here I am 15 and turning 16 in a month.

Let’s go back to

my hometown

Kristiansand

2003

It’s 20 years since 2003! That is such a long time! But back then I was 15, and I am FINE with that being 15 years ago! From the time I was in kindergarten, my three siblings say they knew it, and when I look back, I understand them well.

2003: Irene 15 years old on a school trip to Newcastle.

I think the most important part, and one we hear far too little about, is the self-discovery:

The second you come out of the closet

to yourself! 

A piece of my journal from 30. oktober 2003:

“Today we had a role play at school. I was supposed to be a lesbian. I thought that was a bit strange. I was supposed to go up to Tonje and say “You’ve been my best friend for 5 years, so I feel you’re the person I can say this to to. I’ve found out a very important part of myself… I’ve found out that girls are more my thing than boys.. Is that okay?” She suddenly looked at her watch and had to take the bus home. I kind of think this was kind of weird, like. And why did I have to be the lesbian? Weird.. But I’ve been thinking about girls so often lately. Fantasizing about them, sort of.”

You can see I am now just about to realize it myself, but not quite yet.

Some people are early out of the closet, others are later (and often called Late Bloomers). Everything is perfect!

I

was

15

But the coming-out-to-other-people part didn’t happen until I turned 16, ’cause that’s when I got my first girlfriend!!

Which leads me to:

My coming-out

story ❤️

So I was 15, had received the blue belt in Taekwondo and was now going to an instructor’s course in Oslo to become a Taekwondo instructor.

I arrive in Oslo together with everyone who was going to the course, and it doesn’t take long before I notice someone special in the group that I am instantly super fascinated by (without realizing/knowing it myself, of course).

Let’s call her Lynne.

During the course there were several breaks, and that’s when I took the opportunity to ask if… her friend wanted to write in my memory book! She did, and it was an easy ticket to get Lynne to write in my book as well.

“Now she knows I exist,” I thought.

2002: Yellow belt just about to advance to the green!

It was mostly lectures, but also some parts we had to physically participate in, so everyone had to put on their Dobok (Taekwondo suit) and join in. She was the sweetest and toughest girl I had ever seen – and she was a black belt! Oh, Lord…

Because what then happened is something super mega-embarrassing, and which has only happened once in my life, and which she will now find out (if she reads this). Remember that I am 15 years old and very pubescent-everything-is-embarrassing and awkward and humiliating.

June 2002: 14 years old: A freshly baked green belt.

So I had placed myself next to her in the changing room when we were going to shower after the course. I didn’t want to shower, because I was suuuper shy. I just stood there in the corner with a towel around me to get changed from the Taekwondo suit to my normal clothes.

I took a good sip of Fanta Exotic (does it exist anymore?) and turned around in the locker room, and of course Lynne comes towards me, her hair wet and with a big smile at me. The soda does a somersault inside my oral cavity and blasts out like a projectile from both nostrils! I turn away faster than you can blink and to this day I imagine she didn’t see it. The strong memory of the pain from the carbonic acid in the nose evokes acute tears, both from the pain but most of all from the 15 year olds mega-super-deadly feelings hurricaning around in the body.

I had kept in touch with her friend, Anette, and a couple of weeks later I traveled to her place outside Oslo to be there for the weekend for fun. Meanwhile, in Kristiansand, I had been out eating pizza with a cute guy. On the bus home, he sent a text and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and of course I said yes – after all, he had paid for the pizza! That was the last time I saw him.

December 2002: With a pretty high fever, I got the blue belt and a fighting helmet for best performance!

When I finally arrived at Anette’s place, I mentioned that I could be a very boring visitor to have at an overnight stay, and that Lynne (who happened to live only 5 minutes from here) should be with us so we don’t die of boredom.

And that’s how it went.

Anette, Lynne and I went to the shop to buy pizza, sweets and to rent a movie (this is THIS long ago). Inside the shop, Lynne asks me: “How are you shaking hands?” and stretched out her hand to greet me. “I do it like this,” I said and gave her a firm grip. “Oh, it was firm! The worst are those who are as slack as fishes!” she laughed.

But what happened was that we never let go of each other’s hands! From then on, we held hands (as two girls may do) for the rest of the evening (which was difficult at times, like when I had to pick up my wallet from the side we held hands on). It was getting close to evening, and we were out on a playground to chat and pass the time.

Lynne and Anette were on the swings, while I was sitting alone on the seesaw. Suddenly Lynne walked over to me, sat across me on my lap and leaned in as if she was going to kiss me. I leaned back, startled. “You thought I was going to kiss you now!” she said laughing, going back to the swings.

“What just happened?” I thought.

June 2003: The red belt is received – last step before the black!

The three of us were to sleep in the TV room. There was a sofa and a TV there, and we had put two mattresses on the floor between the sofa and the TV that Lynne and I were going to sleep on. Then I realized that I had forgotten my bag at Lynnes’ and all of my toiletries were there!

Lynne and me, hands linked, went over to her and picked up my bag. On the way back to Anette’ she says “Come, let’s go here instead, it’s a longer way.” And while we were walking there, slowly, holding hands, I said “Lynne…?” I looked at the ground. “I have to tell you something…”

She looked at me with her big beautiful eyes.

“That I…” I stammered. “I think I like you more than just as a friend.” We stopped. She looked at me without smiling. “But Irene,” she said. “That’s how I feel too!”

We were to be lovers for 8 months with frequent trips to Oslo and she to my town, Kristiansand. I still have all the 30 love letters I received during this time, safely preserved, and I look back on this time with a humble look.

And it is during these 8 months that I both came out to myself, and also to my family.

Let’s jump right into it!

June 2005: Finally reached the black belt at 17 🥋😎

TO COME OUT TO

YOURSELF

Me about two years after birth ❤️

Coming out to yourself is a bigger deal than you might think. Think about all the ideas and dreams you had about yourself, your life and your future growing up. And think about everything you are being told from you were little. If you’re a girl, the adults talk about the cute boys you have to look at, and the dolls you have to play with and the colors and interests you have to be into. This is how the trot goes every day for many, many years. When reaching pubic age, you are well indoctrinated.

Crazy. And sad.

Then you find out about this gay stuff about yourself and everything is suddenly turned upside down. People’s first thought and question is always, “What did your parents say?” whereas really it is much more important, and more interesting, to ask: “What was it like to discover it yourself? What did you think? Have you changed anything since then?”

One of the first things I did was cut my long blonde hair. I often looked like a boy, both in my face and in the way I move, and I found that just liberating. Here I am 18 years old.

Having grown up with a homophobic father who taught me that it’s disgusting to be gay, I initially had a pretty bad self image. At one point I wrote a “suicide note” which I left in my room at my fathers house and then went out. But when the evening came and I felt I had been out for a really long time, Irene, afraid of the dark and anxious, just had to run home.

He had not seen the letter, and when I think about it, this letter was only to scare because I had no actual plans for anything. But I wrote in the letter that I think this is just as crap as him, and that I’m considering just ending myself, so the world has one less nasty monster to worry about.

I was pretty good at finding things on the internet, and luckily I found three extremely important things:

• The gay youth club Homogena run by Skeiv Ungdom

• Jafnadhr “gay teen camp” run by Skeiv Ungdom

• The gay webpage Gaysir.no

There I got to meet others who were like me, got to talk about everything I was curious about, play games, have a Christmas workshop and watch queer films up at the University of Agder. Eventually, “Queer Disco” also appeared, which was very fun and a bit scary with all the long-fingered lesbians in suits and ties, hehe.

One more thing I’m extremely happy about is the wonderful series The L Word ❤️ The sexiest, most heartfelt and most important series on earth! And can you guess what year it came out? 2004! Absolutely perfect timing for me! I felt that I grew in my gayness with the episodes (do you get what I mean?). My god I watched that series over and over and I know all the lines by heart! I had to download every episode via The Pirate Bay and I sat sooo close to the screen when I watched it every Thursday 😍

So embarrassing, lol! An absolute dentity crisis going on here..

My lovely sister, Sissel, was the first to know.

I sent her a message saying I needed to talk to her about something very important. What I didn’t know was that just then she was with our mother in a cafe and she had said that it was either something about tampons or it had something to do with girls.

In the evening I sit on the sofa at my sister’s and have my entire defense speech ready in my head: That I don’t know where this is coming from but that I am still myself and that I can’t do anything about it and that she must not hate me, etc.

She looked at me with excited eyes and I jumped right in: “I think I like girls..?!” I said carefully as my eyes alternated between her eyes and the tablecloth. “Oh, I know that,” she said a bit disappointed. “You were supposed to tell me a big secret, you wrote in the message! I thought you had become a drug addict, robbed a bank or completely crazy: got pregnant! But that you like girls…?” She rolled her eyes and laughed as she stood up. “Want a cup of cocoa?” I was completely put out! “You know, Irene, we’ve known since you were 5. We’ve just been waiting for you, and you always got so mad when we asked if you thought she and she were cute, tihi”

And that’s how it went. Mum was also so deeply beautiful. “Yeah, we’ve all known it, and I’m just so glad you figured this out on your own. And whether it’s a prince or a princess on the white horse doesn’t matter to me, as long as you’re happy”

Could they be more perfect? ❤️

Even my confirmation had a touch of Taekwondo on the thank-you-cards!

It was worse with my father. I don’t want to write too much about him, but he found out about Lynne and me once when she was visiting me. She went home on Saturday instead of Sunday, so to speak. Then he said, “It’s nothing to be proud of, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. Dad also likes girls, but for you it’s just a phase.”

This “phase” is not disappearing, I can promise you that! This lady-crazyness is only getting better and better every year!

“10 YEARS OUT OF THE CLOSET”

I celebrated 10 years ago as well! Hooray!

My friends took it just fine and eventually it was mostly other queers, or guys I hung out with, so it wasn’t an issue. And mostly I had a girlfriend, and what else do you need?

Over the coming years there were a lot of “identity crises” with a lot of different hair colors, clothing styles (if you can call it “styles”, omg.. Hehe, but I guess we’ve all been there.) I also think it was fun to play with the androgynous look. And to this day, depending on where I am in my cycle, my face changes quite a bit.

Weightlifting and short hair are probably the only things that have remained stable throughout!

When I today reflect on how things have been and how things have felt before I came out to myself, it’s quite clear that I didn’t think my teacher was “just” cool. And if I had been a little more open to myself and had a little more self-awareness as a 13-year-old (when I started Taekwondo), I probably would have realized it earlier, but anyway:

The big cliché:

In love with the teacher!

Being captivated by authoritarian figures is a familiar thing. And as teachers are one of the first authorities we meet as children, in addition to having a chaotic and hormonally unruly inner self, this is a pitfall you easily fall into. Can you relate?

She was a teacher at the school I went to and had flaming red hair (guess who else had to have red hair?!), but most importantly:

She was my Taekwondo instructor!

Let’s call her Miss S.

I was such a hopelessly in love *cough* I mean “inspired” 13-year-old (if you had asked me if I was in love at the time, you would probably have gotten a taste of all the Taekwondo tricks I knew).

Miss S. had a radiance, a way of moving her body and an energy that just took my breath away – and of course she had a high degree within the black belt. At home in my room there were pictures upon pictures of her (and preferably with me too in it, because I sometimes commanded my father to say that he wanted to take a picture of us). I wrote poems, songs, made up stories about her and me – the whole shabang. What a teenage chaos!

She’s even the reason I learned how to play the guitar!

I was practicing for hours every day and all of the hard work payed off: I got a brand new guitar for my confirmation 😍

In secondary school (about 14 or 15 years old), we were supposed to have a theme week, and you could choose between cooking, embroidery, sports and a lot of different things. I just knew that I wanted to be part of what Miss S. was going to lead, no matter what it was:

Snow cave trip with five boys to a cabin far, faaar away it is!

With a backpack that weighed more than me and with bad skis I had borrowed, I was as ready as I could be for this adventure. Arriving at the cabin after what seemed like four days in hell (read: a few hours on skis) it was time to light the fireplace and cook.

And what do we have here?

Well.

A guitar.

Problem: All five boys who were there could play except me! The boys played for her while she smiled and laughed, and can you imagine one person who wasn’t too happy with the boys getting all of her attention?!

It was the last day of my life where I couldn’t play the guitar! Since then I have both played and sung in bands, on the big ship going from Norway to Denmark, at weddings and on countless stages. At home I have a full recording studio and I thoroughly enjoy sitting and strumming in the evenings ❤️

“May I play a few songs?”

Ship-pianist Adam Tee: “Of course, go ahead!”

Guitar, bass, piano, drums and ukulele are what I play today and I am super passionate about music. It touches something deep inside me and can control all the feelings in my whole body ❤️

2005: The day after I got my black belt at Taekwondo Summer Camp, I travelled to Oslo and EUROPRIDE!

Europride is a big gay festival that travels from city to city every year, and this particular year, 2005, it was in Oslo! I traveled in with a friend (far right) with whom I am still good friends, and we just had a blast!

The phenomenon:

Falliing in love with straight ladies!

I moved to Vorarlberg in Austria as an exchange student in September 2005 when I was 17. There I studied music at a conservatory.

It was a rather tough time for someone who really gets homesick quickly. But, there I met a new crush. And I fell so hard. Whether it was the place, the language, the energy or a combination of everything, I don’t know. But I was .crazy. in love.

And was it in someone I absolutely could not have?

Absolutely!

It started with something as innocent as the fact that I had noticed that a lady with her son, probably 8 years old, was standing at the intersection where I passed by every day on my way to school. And what caught my eye was neither her nor her son, but the dog! ‘Cause that was the kind of dog I wanted! I learned where she lived from someone else I knew in the street. In the afternoon I rang her doorbell, really just to find out what breed she had (and I must add that this was an incredibly nice house with a swimming pool and built mostly in concrete with some warm wood in between!).

All the students from around the world who were in Austria exactly in 2005 – 2006 😍

She opened the door like a wind and said “Let’s go!” as she slammed the door behind her. I better listen to that, I thought, running after her. We went for a long walk and she told me a lot about the dog, and that the breed was called Jack Russell Terrier – the same dog as in The Mask with Jim Carrey.

It was autumn, and the interaction with my exchange family was not very good, and I had decided to go back home to Norway for Christmas. Nothing came of it, as I had now met this mysterious woman, who was also 19 years older than me and way out of my league.

After I came back to Norway as an 18 year old, there has been more than one romantic adventure that has ended with heartbreak. What is more hurtful than loosing your heart to someone you could never have?

Let’s fast forward to..

❤️ TODAY ❤️

A happy girl in her big house on wheels 😍

It’s not often that I think about it anymore, but sometimes “Gee, I’m gay” slips through my mind, and I only see it as a great gift. The same way I look at my ADHD (that I most likely have).

At the same time, I have been incredibly lucky with the whole gay thing. I had a safe network around me that supported me and I have been lucky to have found love several times (but I have also encountered a lot of strange things, hehe..).

Today I am engaged to the world’s most beautiful lady ❤️

A clip from my very first YouTube video (see it after you are done reading)

There are few bad experiences to remember, despite the fact that my hometown, Kristiansand, is in the middle of the Bible area where there are all kinds of (in)sects and religions, Christians, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Smith’s Friends, Lommelendere, Pinsevenner and all kinds of religious schools. You quickly find out who you shouldn’t hang out with so much, and conversion therapy is pure evil.

I myself am not religious and have no prejudices against either skin colours, orientations or lifestyles, but I often wonder why their gods absolutely need my money and at the same time intend to send me to an eternally burning hell when my time comes. It is neither kind nor understandable when, after all, I was created this way – we are all perfect in God’s eyes. I’ll have a chat with him/her/them when it’s my turn to stand at the rainbow gate – and demand a bank statement!

Today, things are neither hormonal nor chaotic on the gay front. I moved to Oslo in 2020 and met my dear Carine the same week, and moved to Vestby in July 2023 where I can cultivate my great passion:

TINY HOUSE

ON WHEELS

❤️

In 2022, I had spent four years drawing the perfect rolling house for me.

In the spring of 2023, the world’s largest tiny house on wheels was completed in Tønsberg at Vestfold Minihus.

It was transported here in July this year (2023). And was lifted by crane into the forest 😍

I want to share all the knowledge and show how you can live simply and economically so that you can become debt-free in 10 years, own your own rolling house and have time to do what you want.

It is also the reason why I started my own company as a tiny house consultant to help as many as I can worldwide!

I have so far worked 15 years of my life. The thought that I could have been debt free AND owned my own perfectly designed rolling house five years ago is a bit sad, but at the same time I am now well on my way and enjoying every second.

To compare the financial aspect between a normal house and a rolling house, you can take a look here.

I am head over heels in love with my beautiful Carine ❤️ A real Lady, and actually a countess! 😍🥂

I am engaged to the world’s most beautiful lady, and next year we are hoping for both a little Staffordshire Bull Terrier puppy girl and a wedding if everything goes according to plan ❤️

Tiny houses are not quite Carine’s thing, so she owns her own big normal house with a big garden in the same area as I have the tiny house, just about 10 minutes apart.

As she is a sexy archaeologist, she is out in the field digging for stone age things almost half the year (only at home on weekends), so there is a lot of time for me, myself and Irene 😍

My free time goes to blogging, weightlifting, guitar and everything that tiny house-related making it extra exciting when she finally comes home ❤️

In addition, I have over 20 sponsors that I work with 🥂

My kitchen is starting to look sooo good 😍 It’s all sponsored by IKEA ❤️

I’m in the middle of the moving-in process now, so most of the time is spent on finishing the kitchen, installing things, painting and documenting everything on the blog as well as making YouTube-videos.

I am having SUCH a great time making videos 😎😍🥂

Thank you so much for reading ❤️

How was it for you coming out?

🌈Irene

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